The Freeware Hall Of Fame
Presents:

2 Cows - Scorecard to the World

We all stumble blindly through the world without a guide, until some guru or decades
of experience reveals who's who and what's what. Stumble no longer.

Here's your guide, one with 70 years of experience, some of it watching things happen
and some of it using this knowledge to make things happen.

Anything in the world can be understood if we reduce it to small, easily imagined numbers. 2 cows for example. Give a person 2 cows and what he does with them tells us darn near everything we need to know about the world.

For example, LIBERTARIANS believe in a government with the fewest laws and the least government intrusion. Sounds great! If a Libertarian has two cows and they get sick, he believes government has no right to limit sales of his diseased milk. The free choice market will protect the public, once enough people sicken or die from the milk. Do you see anything wrong with Libertarianism? Well Libertarians don't.

If a REPUBLICAN has two cows and his neighbor has none, that's ok. If the neighbors have a child and come to him for milk, a Republican response is to raise the price.

But a MARKETING MANAGER, Republican or anything else, might not raise the price. More likely he will make the milk container opaque to hide that he is putting less in without lowering the price.

If a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT has two cows, he asks the government to tax everyone and give cows to people in poor countries. He will not approve oversight to see that only poor people get free cows. Because those countries are corrupt, it is never the poor who keep the cows. [See Congolese]

Now read for yourself how the rest of the scorecard works. Lawyers, stock analysts, small businesses, large businesses, global corporations, even Microsoft can be explained using just 2 cows.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty. You beg your representative to tax cow owners. The government uses your money to buy an over-priced cow and give it to your neighbor. He knows nothing about cows and it dies. You feel close to god when Barbara Streisand (on CD) sings at the celebration of its life.

AMERICAN ENTERPRISE: You have two cows. You trade one for a bull and build a herd. You borrow money to buy everyone else's herd and raise the price of dairy products to meet your debt service. The government provides dairy price supports so your banker can sleep at night.

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell both, lease them back, and build a herd by artificial insemination. You stage an IPO and use the proceeds to buy everyone else's herd. When you control all you can of the dairy market you do the same in every other country where you can get away with it, channeling your income to the country with the lowest taxes. You pay your CEO more than that country's annual GDP.

A SMALL BUSINESSMAN: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. Yours give great milk but milk is cheap. He makes great cheese and it's expensive. You borrow from a banker to buy his cheese, using your cows as collateral. Your cows get sick and you pay a veterinarian instead of the banker. The banker seizes your cows and finances them for your neighbor. The seizure is faster and the financing terms are more lenient if they golf together. If the neighbor attends a different church you will believe he made your cows sick. If he follows a different religion you will be certain he did.

A LAWYER: You have no cows. A cow owner found a pasture he wants to buy. Buying property is risky and the process arcane, requiring the service of a lawyer. You agree to represent him in exchange for two cows. The pasture has no road frontage and is land-locked. You must obtain a right-of-way. The eventual bill for your service rises to 10 cows. A faulty milking machine electrocutes your client's employee. His family sues for damages. You handle the defense in exchange for 500 cows. Your client sues the milking machine manufacturer. You make it a class action suit and settle for ten million cows for you, ten cows for each client. The judge rejects that as excessive and awards you one million cows. You know nothing about large scale dairy farming so your farm manager steals milk. You suspect it but you don't care because it's an exaggeratable tax loss.

A WALL STREET STOCK ANALYST: You have no cows but people accept you as an expert on them because your employer says you are. Your client whose cows are dying asks you to say nice things about his cows so he can sell them. You tout them in exchange for money to buy the healthiest cows you can find. Before you buy them you tell people they are dying to drive down the price.

US GOVERNMENT FARM POLICY: You have two cows. The government rules you can have only one, buys the other, shoots it, pays you for milk, pours it down the drain, and pleads to Congress for a larger budget.

A GERMAN CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. If there is any left for you it is sour.

AN ITALIAN FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you milk. You form an underground and start a sabotage campaign to blow up the cows.

AN ADVERTISING MANAGER: You have two cows. You over-charge for dairy products to run advertising that overstates the importance of milk.

A FRENCH VILLAGER: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go home for lunch. Life is good.

AN ITALIAN VILLAGER: You have two cows but don't know where they are. While ambling around you meet a large, dark-haired woman. She makes you lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You inseminate them with imported sperm. Their calves are at the top of their class at cow schools around the world where they go to gather ideas.

A GERMAN FACTORY: You have two cows and your cousin has a brewery. You redesign the cows to convert beer to excellent quality milk. To describe them you create a 6 syllable noun. The cows demand 13 weeks annual vacation.

A RUSSIAN PEASANT: You have two cows but are unsure how numbers work and think you have five. After a bottle of vodka that rises to 12. You sell them on the black market and use the rubles to get drunk on vodka. The buyer was the Mafia. So was the seller of the vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows none of which belong to you. You charge high prices for pasturing them. If they give milk or calves you tell no one.

A DEVELOPING NATION CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. They lend you the money to buy 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation takes bankruptcy and pays all its remaining money to its officers, leaving nothing for stock and bond holders or creditors.

MICROSOFT: You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world. You open milk and cheese stores using your power over dairy customers to steer them your way. Inside your crowded dairy stores are 100 unrelated stores paying you rent.

AN INDIAN PEASANT: You have two cows. You worship them while you and your family starve to death.

AN AMERICAN LAND GRANT COLLEGE: You have two cows. You pasture them on school lawns to cut and fertilize the grass. Your students get class credit for milking them, using the cream for teacher and staff coffee. You don't report any of this to the state legislature, knowing they will deduct the value from your budget request.

AN ISRAELI: You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on your enemy's farm at no cost. One day he milks them before you can. You demand that your government build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.

A PALESTINIAN VILLAGER: You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli schoolyard. When both cows die you blame the Jews.

A POLE: You have two cows. You trade one to a Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to grow a beanstalk reaching up to the magic kingdom. They never sprout. You trade the second cow to the same Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to do better.

NEW AGE X GENERATION: You have two cows. You ask: "What's a cow?" You give them guitars but they do not learn to play. You buy their CD just the same.

A TEXAN: You have two cows. You eat them. When you bury the bones you strike oil on land whose mineral rights are owned by Texaco.

A VIRGINIAN: You have two cows. You devote years researching their family tree in an attempt to prove their forebears came to Virginia with the earliest settlers.

A WEST VIRGINIAN: You have two cows. You marry one and sneak out on Saturday night to have sex with the other.

A KENTUCKIAN: You have two cows. You tell people they are horses. New Yorkers believe you.

A WISCONSIN DAIRY: You have two cows. You market more cheese from them than anyone else and sell it to people who don't know ripe cheese from unripe. Your motto: Eat cheese or die.

A MEXICAN: You have two cows. You milk them once, then kill them. You sell the milk. You sell the meat. You sell the fat. You sell the bones. You sell the skin. You give all the money to a man who puts you in a crate for assured live delivery in Texas.

A SPANIARD: You have two cows. You trade them for a bull. In a macho moment the next day you are gored to death.

The TALIBAN: You have two cows. You must paint them black and keep their udders wrapped in cloth. If one should ever drop a cow pie while facing Mecca you will be beheaded. Your cousin, who has no cows, prays five times daily that he will be the first to report you.

A CANADIAN: You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You wonder why you smell that way.

A HUNGARIAN: You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to your brother without telling him.

A PHILADELPHIAN: You have two cows. Someone steals them.

A PSYCHOANALYST: You have two cows. You talk to them once a week about the value of wholesome milk. You expose their negative memories of calf-hood. You raise their level of consciousness. One cow can cope with this. She becomes contented, filling her udder twice a day with sweet cream. You go off to give a report of your success at an international conference. You forget to have someone milk them while you're gone. Both die.

AN ENGLISHMAN: You have two cows. You call them bovines, or kine, or Alderney, or Jersey, or Guernsey, or Galloway, or Angus, or Aberdeen, or Holstein, or anything except cows. You will be an expert on which of your kings and queens loved cows, which merely tolerated them, and which hated them, and why. You will keep a record of what they are costing you down to the penny. You will give each of them a name. Even though they can never stray out of sight they will have bell collars, old ones that were handed down to you.

A CONGOLESE: You have two cows. When the highest ranking government official in town finds out, you will be jailed and they will be his.

A CUBAN: You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow will later become Archbishop of Miami.

AN ANIMAL RIGHTIST: You invade someone's pasture and drive his cows out. They wander onto the highway and people and cows die. You feel proud.

A VEGETARIAN: You have two cows. You compete with them for food.

... a growing paper. Your additions welcome.

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Page last updated Sept. 4, 2009
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