a parody of Something Cool
Bar songs are a special category in pop music. Two of them reached a pinnacle above all others. "One for My Baby and One More for the Road" by Arlen and Mercer, and "Something Cool" by Billy Barnes.
Every great singer recorded "One for My Baby" but "Something Cool" belongs only to June Christy and her arranger, Pete Rugolo. Their 1953 recording on a 10" LP and the subsequent issues and re-issues are the only renditions of any consequence and will be forever.
Youtube has a half-dozen Christy versions. The mono one lasting 5 minutes 7 seconds is the original.
It's from that one that this parody came. Every great song deserves a parody. So here's
Something warm, I'd like to order something warm,
It's so cold on the street, and so hard on my feet,
Yes, I need something warm.
It's so nice to simply rest my weary bones,
Do you feel that way too?
Is it that way with you?
Need to warm your cojones.
I don't ordinarily drink with strangers,
Not until asking their name,
But you seem so gullible and simple,
And I want someone who's really lame.
Like my breath? I must admit it's very bold,
But my toothbrush is old, and it's covered with mold,
It's disgusting, I'm told.
Want some smack? I often take it in this bar.
This isn't where someone would care, so there we are.
I bet you couldn't imagine that I one-time had a house
With so many girls you couldn't count them all;
I'll bet you couldn't imagine I had oh so many joes
Who would beg and beg to take me to their balls,
And I'll bet you couldn't picture me the time I went to Newark after dark,
And who would think, I'd earn so much, just giving favors in the park?
Well it's true, I've had an in and out career,
Now I'm getting too old, and I'm feeling the cold,
Things are not like they were,
About a muff, come back! I mean no harm,
You're just a girl, who stopped to buy me something warm.