This collection began in 1989 on the ILink International Netmail Network and continues to grow with insertions at random. Most are mine; some are not. Last updated: March 16, 2008
Hypocrisy defined - what's taught in church, stays in church [Rey Barry] Writers are forever eight years old, over-aware, and indignant [Adam Gopnik] Lazy: cleaning out ear wax only on the side your dentist will see [Rey Barry] When the laws of decency you breach, no one listens when you preach [Rey Barry] If you can't change the world, at least embarrass the guilty [after Jessica Mitford] The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it [Joan Rivers] Consistency is the opposite of a willingness to learn [Rey Barry] Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago [Bernard Berenson] Gun control will make opposing George the third impossible [Rey Barry] Against government you have no more power than a spider in a bed [Rey Barry] When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion [Lincoln] The fact that once in a while something in a blog is true enhances the value of blogs to spread lies [Rey Barry] All important problems are insoluble [Arthur M Schlesinger Jr] The congressional majority changed hands! We have new leadership! Come kick the football, Charlie Brown True intelligence can profit from the experience of others [Rey Barry] The ability to change your mind suggests intelligence; obstinacy suggests the opposite [Rey Barry] Newsroom statistics: 2 apples a day keep 2 doctors away [Rey Barry] Knowledge is guarded by a dragon named "I was wrong" who flees at the sound of his name [Rey Barry] The apathy of the people is enough to make every statue leap from its pedestal ... [William Lloyd Garrison] Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome [Samuel Johnson] When you're through changing, learning, working to stay involved - only then are you through [William Safire] If you don't like the emotional experience you're having, change your mind [Peter Russel] Liberty will not descend to a people, a people must raise themselves to Liberty [Emma Goldman's tombstone] Follow your head for success, your heart for adventure [Rey Barry] No one really listens to anyone else and if you try it for awhile, you'll see why [Mignon McLaughlin] This estate was much too good to be frittered away on the beneficiaries [Lawyer motto] The wise man never proclaims success when the opponent is nature [Rey Barry] Intelligence requires not confusing what you believe with what you know [Rey Barry] Mistaking your feelings for knowledge is called ignorance [Rey Barry] The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them [Einstein] Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know []Michel Eyguem De Montaigne[] We know no spectacle so ridiculous as the public in one of its periodic fits of morality [after Macaulay] Anatomy is destiny [Freud] The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything except what is worth knowing [Oscar Wilde] The old and the young share a secret: they know how the wee hours came to be called that [Rey Barry] Religion exists to give people virtuous reasons to act despicably [Rey Barry] Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities [Voltaire] For 99% of us eclecticism is a fancy word for no taste [Rey Barry] Faith is the absence of knowledge [by definition] MTV equals MT mind [Rey Barry] If life was fair, girls would get mink coats because they're cold [Rey Barry] It's more fun contemplating someone else's navel than your own Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't [Rey Barry] I refuse to star in your psychodrama Is Earth the insane asylum for the universe? A system that depends on human reliability is unreliable Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons [Bertrand Russell] Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what? [William Saroyan] Moral indignation is usually jealousy with a halo The United States was founded by religious nuts with guns. The rest were immigrants Because truth offends is not reason to teach lies A mystic is a man who treats his feelings as tools of cognition [Ayn Rand] Statistics by fools and newspapers say the average family has 1/3 of a child Statistics show the average American has one testicle and one breast [Rey Barry] Sometimes silence is not golden, it's just yellow [Rey Barry] The brainwashed do not know they are brainwashed Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. That's why it's allowed Discoveries are made by not following instructions It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong [Voltaire] People don't see the world as it is, but as they are [Nadine Hodges] Only the guilty mind sees anatomy as pornography Agency advertising shows us the opposite of what the advertiser really thinks [Rey Barry] When honest surveys favor the competition, call in J.D. Power Consistent is a tactful word for never learns [Rey Barry] Give it an understanding, but no tongue [Shakespeare] What is the opposite of honor if not lawyer? Everyone learns from mistakes; winners learn from the mistakes of others Good things don't have to be rammed down good throats If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? [Robert Moses] No one is jealous when you fail; a friend is not jealous when you succeed If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? A belief is not made true because someone dies for it [Rey Barry] Truth is not dependent on anyone's belief It doesn't have to be our fault to be our responsibility [Paul Robertson] Religion tells us why to hate; parishioners tell us who Urbanism means cutting down trees and naming streets for them A prudent Baron Frankenstein would put the brain in a petite body [Rey Barry] "But Sire ..." is not music to the king; "But Sir ..." is not music to the command [Rey Barry] The best time to be rich is before birth. The second best is before death [Rey Barry] Do smokers escape the leading causes of death afflicting non-smokers? [Rey Barry] Why should the person you tell keep the secret better than you did? [Rey Barry] The Big Bang theory is creationism in a lab coat [Rey Barry] Was there foreplay before the Big Bang? [Rey Barry] The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter [Churchill] Allah Bless America Semper in excremento, sole profundum qui variat - I am always in shit; it's only the depth which varies Women and children first, to see if it's safe [Rey Barry] There is nothing more toxic to responsible journalism than an anonymous source [NYT Public Editor] Wisdom begins with unlearning the nonsense we were taught [Barney Plotnick] Believing things are real can carry real consequences Old soldiers never die, just young ones Sincerity is vital. Fake that and you've got it made. [Brit comedian Bob Monkhouse] Irresponsible breeders will inherit what's left of the earth If a tripod has 3 legs, does an iPod have the square root of -1 leg? Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance [Sam Brown] The river never drinks [Rey Barry] Theology is the logic of children expressed with the language of adults [Doug Purl] "Gaston Coblentz, you slay me" [Female voice carrying through the press bus, Berlin, 1962] Education is the process of unlearning conventional wisdom [Barney Plotnick] Maturity is knowing when to say no to your heart [Rey Barry] There's nothing wrong with revenge. Only the targets oppose it Ideas are food for thought but some are indigestible [Rey Barry] The wings of angels do not carry bombs [Rey Barry] Women knit to have something to think about while talking [Doug Purl] The longer the ad, the less inspired the message [Rey Barry] The difference between a dirty old man and any other old man is honesty That fart has yogurt written all over it The grass is always greener over the reductio ad newage [Rey Barry] They keep the employee who is rowing, not the one who is rocking the boat [Rey Barry] The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim [Edsger Wybe Dijkstra] A religion that forgives sin, encourages sin The most chilling sound on Earth is the sound of ignorance praying Fear causes men to create gods and demons, but religion taken seriously is a mental defect If necessity is the mother of invention, greed is the father of patent [Rey Barry] If you're not a socialist at 20 you have no heart - if you're still one at 50 you have no head Every good movement tramples on someone's rights. Every bad one tramples on more [Rey Barry] Don't confuse your career with your life Religion is the siren song of irrationality Muggers, no less than Elizabeth Hardwick, are known for "intimate tone and dramatic deployment of forceful logic" [after Christopher Lehmann-Haupt] The great enemy of clear language is insincerity [George Orwell] Since there's always hell to pay when a lawyer is involved, we know who sent them [Rey Barry] Cheese is milk reaching for immortality The power of cheese - dare to be grated The best safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it [Dudley Moore] For every person with a spark of genius there are 10,000 with negative voltage An offer to write this tagline was first made to George Raft, who turned it down [Rey Barry] The follies you will regret the most are those you didn't commit when you had the chance You can't reason someone out of something they weren't reasoned into [Mark Twain] Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television [Gore Vidal] Until you can relate to both sides you're part of the problem [Rey Barry] America's Assoc. of Trial Lawyers (ATLA) does for lawyers what bin Laden does for Islam [Rey Barry] Money is at the root of all incompatibilities If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, put it on the menu as canard Without meat it's just a snack "In Finland, the introvert looks at his shoes while he speaks; the extrovert looks at yours" [Esa-Pekka Salonen] Diarema - Jackson Pollock's brown period [Rey Barry] Talking about music without listening to it is like photographing aromas [Rey Barry] Stupidity remains astounding no matter how often one encounters it A country without murders is a country without passion We hold these truths to be self-serving ... Madonna's Las Vegas act was canceled. Someone neutered the dog Virus writers need a life - preferably behind bars Love means listening to you bitch To an optimist the glass is half full; to a pessimist the glass is half empty; to an engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be Most folks who pray for you will also prey on you What is a "personal relationship with god" if not blaming another for your evil The first mouse to try for the cheese, dies To get rid of a pest, attract his enemies 90% of the people who walked the Earth didn't have toilet paper Nothing is as unquestioned as praise There is nothing so stupid a member of Congress will not say it For a talk on technology dehumanization, press 4 Make your crotch a showplace! Gods are for those who flunk cause and effect Embrace a cult to and for the stable born? When you can hear them praying, it's time to check the lock on the barn [Harry Truman] For the love of god, come when you're called Imagine bringing up children in a ritualistic cult Ego makes us believe evolution is moving up America's taste is formed in school cafeterias When women could cook, we weren't vegetarians The pen is mightier than the sword and you're never out of range Patriotism: last refuge of a scoundrel and the first of a simpleton Live a little - butter both sides of the bread Bam, bam, poppa, that's a two-bam dad Want to attract a modern girl? Be one Breast fed? No, mother only liked me as a friend You spent all eternity submissive? How droll Drive-by shootings kill drug dealers Ideas in Congress are smaller than they appear Police state: demanding your diary as evidence Voting is the outlet for the politically impotent Understanding begins with questioning what we believe Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional Palsy could get a gynecologist arrested Brevity is the upside of being old and grumpy A beer means never having to say, "I'm thirsty" Good writing never says - "Hey, look at me!" A corpse in the bedroom will spoil the Open House The sooner you bury your dead, the sooner neighbors bring food Is a lawyer a terrible thing to waste? When did 'legal ethics' become an oxymoron Everyone in court is under oath but the lawyers Evil looks so ordinary people don't know it's evil A page saying "Intentionally left blank"...isn't Religion is a social disease Some folks are forever backstage awaiting a cue Life is the final release, not a Beta Earth is a planet of petty tyrants - fly on Used all of a pig but the squeal...until Ornette Happy as a schizoid in a hall of mirrors A wholesome mind is wasted potential A window is a window is a window -- Trudy Gates Age and guile feed on youthful enthusiasm The young know the rules - the old the exceptions Papal Decree - No masturbating in the afterlife Does masturbation sap a woman's strength? All the great writers should be in one cemetery Alzheimer's means always meeting new people An old-fashioned Xmas - using last year's lights Answer the new inquirer, not the old question At 4 AM all ideas seem sound Quiet desperation is better than noisy desperation Bar Fly - Ambience Chaser [Rey Barry] Balance the budget: use Freeware Cumin makes dolphin taste like bald eagle Born again means never growing up Beware the deal tartare Who is Lucien Sarti, and why is he on the knoll? Boggles the foot, too, come to think of it Bored? Grow a wen Marriage: breeding in captivity British royal family or legume? You decide Buckle down for success, up for safety Bugs Bunny is not a Playmate with the crabs Who else misses Major Hoople? Chain saws are only so-so for circumcision Chap Stick is the sample size of Preparation H Choking on prime porterhouse is an ok way to die Cleaning up the environment begins with your room Color-coordinated does not mean blood-shot hair "Come in handy" is not pidgin Japanese Dan Quayle: "If elected, I'll go to Korea" Dance 1, looks 2, so I married George Bush [Rey Barry] Dessert is no time to eat right Whose life flashes before a dying schizoid's eyes? Do executioners have a union? [Rey Barry] Where are the female flashers? Don't fret, you'll never be a great guitarist DOS means not living hand-to-mouse Electricians get into people's shorts Elite people are less legible than pica people Every infant is born an ignorant barbarian [Rey Barry] If a baby is born with amnesia, how would we know? Is this flake trying to snow us? Follow that car, Godzilla, and step on it Genealogy: chasing your own tale In time, Congress will pass Murphy's Law Gravity is a drag Great truths come in small messages Holistic response: the primal shrug HONK if you can resist suggestions If the cap unscrews easily how strong is the glue? If you break a leg, don't come running to me Is Rover hurt? That other dog is towing him It's been lovely but I have to scream now PR: calling a traffic jam "rush hour" Life in the slow lane? Ask your cat Lite beer has 1 pretzel less calories than real beer Mass murderers are in touch with their feelings [Rey Barry] Have you ever seen your mother run? Necrophilia means never having to say...anything Never apologize; never explain. Sucking up is ok No need to buy my song if you buy the flip side Nothing says "A free country!" like jailing flag burners [Rey Barry] Nuns with wedgies - Next on Geraldo Plastic surgeons call them "designer glands" OJ - Sports hero to the Manson family [Rey Barry] Ollie North Spot #1. Lights! Camera! Unction! Only backwards can be spelled backwards TV getting dull? Turn it upside down Shop, bank, pay bills without leaving a smile Should schizophrenics be allowed more votes? Success comes when they remember your name [anon] Take a byte out of crim That was no lady, that was my rent-to-own The best use for tears is to wash your nose The early bird finds the office closed The early worm meets an early death The hand that feeds you smells of food. Bite it The Inquisition allowed Torquemada personal growth [Rey Barry] The milk of human kindness never hits the fan The puppy followed me home, mom. Can we eat him? The truly suave _lease_ the engagement ring This is in Farsi. Did you know you can read Farsi? Flash! 3000 New Yorkers abducted by lone gunman Tomato catsup? What other kind is there? Virginia, "Mother State of Presidents," is on the pill We're lucky Elvis didn't popularize bagpipes Whaddya mean, the blind can't own assault weapons Who received US Patent #1? (FreeHOF knows) When one person can do the work of 20, 19 need a job Whoa! This health plan lists ONLY Dr. Kervorkian Why are Siamese twins given two names? "Why Johnny Can't Read" - now on videotape You can't get up to speed until you're over the hill There is no injustice. There is only viewpoint Religion keeps the poor from murdering the rest When the truth hurts, government covers it up Lee Harvey Oswald, FBI informer #179, received $200 a month [True] Intimacy with cellos, distracting in Wagner, is delightful in Corelli [Ernest Meade] Just think: John Cage could have given us nude ballet Without stereotypes & cliches we'd have no mass media Life is nasty, brutish, and short. Cigarettes help If a cat had your bloodline she'd be spayed Will a bubble child ever be President? Far cry = an imprecise yet exact unit of measure Virtuous - washing down vitamin pills with V-8 Don't miss it! Dave Rhodes and Craig Shergold on Ice Study says all studies are flawed. More study needed Whatever happened to Wizard Bubblows? If there's no woman around to hear him, is a man still wrong? Anyone with money to burn can find a match Understanding begins with doubting the obvious Social agendas are today's morality plays Representative Democracy is not self-government Some dream of changing human nature. Others wake up Rev. Spooner would call you a shining wit Rock imagery: When you wish upon a wishbone... Without data it's just an opinion Better to be over the hill than under it Life is nasty, brutish, and short. Why add UNIX? UNIX - the revenge of the nerds You can't sell the house if you can't find it Under All is the Fee A vending machine could sell tract housing Your best client will get a real estate license Customer loyalty can never be taken for granted Never assume anything but a 4 per cent mortgage How come women don't write freeware? Democracy nurtures the seeds of its demise The Sewing Circle Marching Band motto: Darn Tootin' Pure gall - an unmarried marriage counselor Forced lifers labor under misconceptions The aim of life is not to prolong but to enjoy Among economists, the real world is a special case Art and music are essentially useless, like life is Aside from the 6 million laws it's a free country Southern gentility: slow and lazy with character Question Authority. Sez who? Royalty - the more roots the bigger the dirt bag Windows is to real computing what a travelogue is to real travel If it requires explanation, it isn't music 4'33" -- the sound of trees falling unheard 4'33" is the only good rap to date 4'33" played backwards creates satanic silences Conundrum solved: 4'33" is sound of 1 hand clapping Flash! Score for 4'33" now available in Braille Off the air? No, it's a 4'33" marathon The video of Cage's 4'33" adds a laugh track Laptops flunk every safe work station guideline Can World Dryer Corp. REALLY dry the world? Did Haydn write the Ballad of the Sad Cliche?
When all else fails,
Quodcumque Latine scriptum, altum videtur
Translation - "Anything in Latin looks impressive" For someone else's page of notable one liners, http://home.austin.rr.com/gryphonsnest/joke.txt is a blast. To return to the FreeHOF Home Page click here |
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